Benzo withdrawal and the excruciating road to recovery is well worse than the lowest, hottest depths of hell.
Actually if there was a hell, I’d probably choose to go there.
Okay, I understand prescribing a XaniBar for a short time because it is necessary to quash
the extreme anxiety tentacles vice gripping the brain.
I am Manic Depressive (not BiPolar, I despise the modernized, sensationalized term).
I understand that my illness is precarious, and all the uncertainty that is attached.
I understand that Lithium, the ‘gold standard’ drug is my best bet to stay alive.
I take it faithfully, like a daily chore you do not because you like it but simply because it’s part of your routine.
Everyday for the last 13 years I swallow my pride.
I’m not sure when Xanax became the necessity, after a traumatic event, suicidal tendencies, or the full-blown psychotic breakdown.
Does it even matter? I needed it to survive. Trouble is, it wasn’t enough. I needed more, to raise the dose to function, get through the day without doing something drastic.
I admit it, suicide is never far from my broken, tortured, chaotic mind. I am not sure why I’m still here, it’s a crapshoot.
Back to the Benzos.
How could I know back then what Benzo addiction and eventual withdrawal would do to my already damaged mind?
I am an addict. Not by choice, not by my hands.
I have lost a year or more (who’s counting) clawing my way out, chills, hallucinations, tremors, blurred vision, extreme temperature fluctuations, 94 degrees is a scary place to be trapped inside, nausea, headaches, dizziness, muscle aches, pain I have never experienced. Seasick waves, hyper sensitivity.
If you touch me I might punch you out.
I am at the benzo taper half-mark. I’ve missed so much. Trips to Cali, the beach, NY, hell just being present. Some days a trip to the nature trail with the dog is a huge accomplishment.
I am resilient. I am determined. I am not afraid to admit I’m paralyzed by fear. I blame the doctors, God, whomever is in close proximity. There is no blame, really. Bad shit happens.
I fill my arsenal with things that help with my recovery. Essential oils, strict diet, exercise, epsom salt baths, writing, watching movies, my dog. I try hard not to beat myself up. Rest, when necessary.
If your doctor writes a script for Xanax to ‘take the edge off,’ tell him to shove it and go for a walk, seek alternative treatment, try if you can to SPRINT in the other direction. If you can.
My brain is h
ealing. I catch a glimpse of my old, new and improved self. GABA is my new favorite word.
To everyone out there fighting, dealing with impossible challenges, breathe in 7 seconds and then breathe out 10.
Do it, again and again until your skin doesn’t crawl.
Educate yourself.
And if you meet someone who’s a little off-color, be kind.
You don’t know what hoops they’re jumping through.
Benzo Withdrawal LINKS:
http://www.psychmedaware.org/recovery_tips.html
So true …the words you write….breathe,stay strong,don’t be so hard on yourself….you are brave and strong and very loved.
Hey,
Your candid share about your battle with benzo withdrawal and the tough road to recovery struck a chord. It takes real strength to navigate through such a challenging journey.
I can’t imagine the rollercoaster of emotions and physical struggles you’ve faced, especially while managing Manic Depressive disorder. Your honesty about the impact of benzos on your life is eye-opening.
Your resilience and determination shine through your words. It’s inspiring how you’re exploring alternative healing methods and self-care practices beyond traditional meds.
Your story sheds light on the complexities of addiction and withdrawal. Your emphasis on kindness and understanding towards others going through tough times is a powerful message.
Your journey towards brain healing after benzos is a reminder of the importance of empathy and education in supporting recovery.
Wishing you continued strength and positivity on this path of healing.
Take care.
https://calusarecovery.com/blog/brain-healing-after-benzos-a-comprehensive-guide/