Someone asked me the other day when exactly did I begin to hate Christmas?
I couldn’t quite place the precise date when the cheery, bubbly, naive child stopped believing in the magic
Five, seven, ten?
Who’s to say?
It happened all at once, the snow globe blown out of proportion and super-sized colored lightbulbs scorch and burn
The neighborhood streets I stroll at night twinkle warmly while vanilla, clove and chocolate aroma fills the lungs I breathe deep
Are they happy I wonder? Are they okay? Are they loved?
Later dates rarely come or never right on time
I greedily want to hurry past Christmas Day and the sad memories missing the magic pieces I can’t reclaim even seconds gone by
Who drinks the milk anyway, does it get tossed?
I die each time I lose my mind, bits and pieces gone forever, and missing memories I shan’t recover
The spirit gets discouraged, wants to quit, to scream fuck it
What exactly are you hoping for when the future is not a guarantee?
Being alive scares the shit out of me, it’s the goiter in my throat and sugar overload tummy ache
I am terrified of being alone
I am terrified of losing my Christmas people and the only ones I have needed
I hate Christmas
There, I said it
I hate Christmas because it’s the in your face reminder of the incredible luck I have been blessed with and the over-abundant love and over-bearing souls
For them, I am more than nobody
I am worthy
I nodded and smiled, “no big deal.”
I am that Cioffa girl I thought to myself smiling proud
I hate Christmas because nothing stays the same, and life moves forward exactly as it should
I can see his beautiful smile, feel his goodness and understand he is here with me despite my doubts
Encompassing me in a safety bubble of the most spectacular pretty, plentiful colorful Christmas magic
We pretend smile and suddenly a baby’s giggles are infectious, and tiny flannel feet pitter-patter makes life less heavy and more manageable
Makes the magic real
I love the twinkle and sparkle of the lights, I will keep the starlight and the afterglowAs the reminder the magic lives in the light-hearted
Christmas, I hate you a little more and a little less
This is my Christmas wish to the brokenhearted
I hope your slumber is serene and the day’s beating heart comes tender, sweet and steady
I hope the joy finds its way inside your heart, hearth and home