Duty, responsibility, obligation and drudge
I run around making false promises lying to myself
I must end this cycle of debt, hush-hush niceties and learn to live it
The oddity full of venom and regret
Regret for harsh words hurled in the face of others living in the continuum
The vortex seasonal cycle of disgust and disappointment
Passing judgment upon judgment and hanging no mirrors in my house
I am unable to see the pretty person’s reflection in glass
Wake up child and move on
Go, get, get on and get the hell out from under
The relentless abuse you swallow the misbegotten forgotten soul
The core is damaged from unwanted vocabulary, an unpleasant learned space and skin scratch uncomfortable place
Molestations and accusations what are these words?
I am innocence tossed in the trash long discarded
I have no choice but to make amends
To say, I’m sorry
Simple, two simple impossible words do not roll off the tongue
I’m sorry for so much wasted time
I’m sorry for doubting my perfectly imperfect being
I’m sorry for forever cursing and cussing the bright light burnt stars
I am after all worthy of love
A life filled with some resemblance of happy
I’m not asking for false pretenses or avoidance
Gut punch sharp zinger pain is necessary for growth
A second act?
To right a whole bunch of fall in formation wrongs
I shudder at the possibility of abundance where olfactory senses delight and grandiose dreams are free from jagged edge worries and boundaries
If I can’t be this plain and simple unruly self, who then?
Some other pleasing needing false misrepresentation?
And so, I make amends
And so, I choose to forgive my horrendously ugly fuckups, mishaps and misfortunes
And so, I will learn from the past and the present
Goodbye, old friend
I’ll meet you in the heavens where the orbs are light dancing and colliding transparent
A buoyancy and freedom of physical weight your human form has never known
The torrential, unrelenting downpours of distraught
The hell you experienced?
Dissipated, forgiven and forgotten in less than an instant
Time is not measured in increments
A myriad of wondrous, cheery, crazy beautiful light bright color streams encapsulate and flash brilliant
Hues and the most superfluous elegant words paint the world you left behind
In the orbs there is only purity and lightness of being
You can’t possibly see it, dream it or feel it
The weight disappears and floats upwards
Hope floats forever unbound
Do I know with complete certainty there is an afterlife waiting for me?
Of course, I don’t. This I cannot say.
I want my bubble to be filled with words floating by in a lighthearted stream of consciousness in no particular order.
Being human is hard and excruciating at times, I expel the pain onto the page and wait for cathartic transparency to come back around my way.
To the orbs, I place words with meaning in no varying array. My black and white truths become a grey concept and fade away. The dark cannot shine without the light.
Family, love, rape, anguish, hope, faith, purpose, death, life, home, heartbreak, birth, joy
The words lose their hold and I am set free